Theranos Board of Directors @twisted@pixie.town

OH: (distraught) "I'm going to make homestuck into a kink thing!"

"this is going to kill video game movies all over again!" i scream, barely coherent, at the whiskered affront to Nintendo's seal of approval before me. he hears nothing. he sees nothing. his focus is on the field of amanita before him, and his brain already fried from excess ibotenic acid. he tirelessly defends the fungal feudalism which pervades his world, and hungers for the 🍑 of its despotic fruiting body. his untrimmed moustache brushes against cake icing animated too-smoothly, too-perfectly. it is all too real. i avert my eyes and begin to weep.

jack black is voted into the next super smash bros. game in a landslide, his immortality cemented for another millenium. to calm an america on the verge of collapse, joe biden tries desperately to make them believe he has legalized weed. it's too late. the unfiltered horror of what they have seen shocks the general public. rioting begins at Nintendo of America's headquarters. phone and internet lines out of japan have already been cut. in a few short minutes, those exiled to the PAL regions will look up from the dim, pallid light of their computer monitors with tears in their eyes, fists clenched tight around their last vestiges of sanity, and "mushroom kingdom, here we come" ringing in their poor, tortured ears; we will know then that the end of civilization has come, that their world - the world of dreams inhabited by those lucky enough to flit between cruel reality and the bourgeois hyper-reality which was so hubristically self-absorbed as to think it could create a serious mario movie - has collided with devouring chaos at last, and the state of humanity has returned at last to the state of nature.

and to think i could've been talking to a girl instead.