to get a usable keyboard layout (without dead keys so I can just type a fucking ") you have to download a self-extracting zip exe
which then requires you to manually install .NET 3.5
back to the microsoft website we go
installing that requires a full reboot
now I can finally run the extracted installer

this program allows you to import the layout some random stackoverflow/superuser made, it then *generates an installer* for this layout, then you have to fuck around with keyboard settings a whole lot and now I can finally type " " " " like on a proper OS

@f0x i always just used sharpkeys for keyboard mapping on windows, its way better than whatever it sounds like you are dealing with. Its open source and while it still does require a reboot to take effect, log out / log in again works too