day of preëxams and talks is friggin ~tomorrow~
day of ✂️🍒 is friggin ~two days~

hello I'm elilla and I'm very nervous how are you queers

it's kind of a weird, unique feeling to touch a part of your body and think it will be gone in a day and half. they are softly aching right now; undoubtedly some psychosomatic mindfuckery or another.

testicles never were an erogenous zone for me, but neither were they dysphoric. they produce T, and _that_ makes me dysphoric. but the organs themselves are just kinda... there. getting on the way of panties, tucking, muffing, a bother more than a problem.

I have a condition called in German, quite poetically, das Sternenhimmelphänomen – the starry sky phenomenon. My testicles look on ultrasound like the infinite darkness of space, punctuated by countless shining stars (=microlithiasis). It's a poorly understood, mostly harmless condition, but thought to be associated with higher risk of germ cell cancer. So this surgery can also be considered preventive.

today's eye MU. just a discreet touch of sparkly pink 😌

look I'm happy to donate my testes to science. I really am. but if you're going to ask people who do feminising surgery for their tissue, you could at **least** use "Menschen" >__<

after a very stressful bureaucracy overload, interviews, having 4 bodily fluids examined, getting weak from blood drawing again, interviews, ultrasound, disclaimers, science contracts, a lot of getting by with poor German, and genital inspection, I'm ready to be cut out tomorrow

they forgot some minor information, like when I'm supposed to be here and whether I'll go home in the same day (I asked the nurse, "6:30am" and "probably I guess?")

hallo I am elilla and this is the very last day of my entire life with testosterone-producing gonads

what does one wear to surgery

something easy to put on and off, right? since they'll prob slide you into a gown or s/t. and comfy to lie in bed, just in case. but also femme. a cardi in case I feel cold, tho it's very hot rn, so something fresh underneath. sleeveless top and soft skirt I think – easy access to arms and groin, in case that's required when I'm not in gown. slip-on flats. tight panties. claw hairclip, easy to remove. no MU or polish ;-;

they just called from the hospital. doctor wanted to know why I want an orchi. Herr Doktor isn't it a bit too late to ask that 😅

I managed to blame cypro in German somehow. and to convey that I might want a vaginoplasty in the future. I don't know if I ever will, actually, but it costs nothing to preserve the material. this surgeon does grs too so he'll know the best place to cut (I hope).

also I _think_ the registration doctor showed me a picture of inguinal orchiectomy when explaining what it will be like? I actually would like inguinal, I think. I mean what do I need my cords for? and it preserves all the skin, and the scars look rad 😌

but I think I must have misunderstood it—simple orchi is less impactful and easier to do, and from what I gathered it's the normal choice for trans ppl.

though I'll be under full anesthesia & trans wiki says that's more typical of inguinal?

now I'm curious about what my surgery actually even is lol

frig forgot to remove nail polish lol

/me rubbing acetone at 3am

To destroy, to build up, to tear out and to settle are yours, Inanna. Nitah munus-ra munus nitah-ra ku⁴-ku⁴-de³ Inana za-kam: To turn male into female and female into male is yours, Inanna. Please grant me that this procedure transitions fully with no DHT spikes from adrenal androstenedione. Inana za-e mah-me-en za-e gur⁴-ra-me-en.

when I left the sky was still black, shining with still unfamiliar Northern stars. Venus brightly promised life where none was thought to be. Birds and automatic lights startled me; I felt irrationally afraid of being robbed, assaulted, worst of all that it'd get me late.

I feel cleansed and exposed, and very alone when the time comes. but the care of all the ppl who supported me warms me from the inside, makes me brave. my back is still throughly gotten.

‘but doctor ~why~ can't i invite 4 loves to hold my hands during the surgery T_T’

at least Ewa is allowed to get into the hospital with me 😌 tho not even she can come into the operating room...

I'm in what must be my patient room. I'm glad my bed neighbour has a Minnie, Ewa will feel less alone this way 😌

I'm alive! ty everybody for your kind support!

they took me everywhere with kitty mask which i found hilarious :3

looks like it was simple after all & not inguinal!

cant type much rn, will write later

would v much enjoy doing a celebratory tattoo but totally out of ideas on what

"nut free" is too corny x3

lesbian ex suggested an orchid and now I can't take the idea out of my mind 🙈🙈

so. this is a slipper orchid, Phragmipedium, from South America. the structure in the centre is a sterile mutation of a stamen, called a staminode, without anthers.

in animal terms it's a modified penis with no testicles

so it ends the first day of the rest of my life. I did toot quite a bit didn't I. I got so many interaction that it would be unwieldy to thank you one by one; but I was very anxious / in pain, and that every supportive comment, joke and lil star helped me take my head out of it and endure the challenges. you are my community and you make me feel safe and accepted. I love you all

turns out that peeling off medical tape from freshly cut scrotal skin hurts quite a bit.

I'm really glad I shaved the whole area well the night before. I know the doctors would shave at least the incision area, but given how everything else has gone, I'm glad I did it myself, and thoroughly.

hahahaha yeah folx about that 😅