Who knows a good way to send and receive money online* that doesn't give any money to Peter Thiel?

* in such a way that a PHP script can be triggered based on transaction data
* that normal people who want to give me money can use, e.g. they don't have to learn anything or install an app
* that isn't a scam or use a lot of energy

EDIT:
* needs to be available and usable in the US, UK, EU and Australia
* liberapay isn't a payment processor, it's like patreon, it's just an abstraction layer over an existing payment processor (paypal and stripe, both thiel again), I need a payment processor
* monero is cryptocurrency, I need real money
* GNU Taler isn't real and was never real and will never be real

I'm gonna end up working with SOME kind of bastard, obviously, but there's bastards and there's bastards y'know

I really wish cryptocurrency was real. Like, I wish it wasn't a world-boiling pyramid scheme, but just a thing that let me send a penny to the author of whatever silly gay webcomic I'm reading whenever they post a new page, and have that penny actually arrive to them

If someone wants to send me a quarter, I don't get that quarter, Peter Thiel gets the quarter, it just disappears. Someone sends me a dollar, I get 47 cents.

Someone puts a quarter in the slot of one of my games, that quarter's mine now. I should be able to earn a living by asking thousands of people for a quarter every now and then