public diary entry 1.

so, any way i slice it, this can't end well. there's a chance we are potentially on the brink of a global war. said chance isn't certain — maybe putin is just *this* out of touch with reality, or maybe he's just bluffing — but it's still enough to make me reflect on my life even a little. world might end up in deep shit soon, and i don't know if i will live to 25.

(a thread)

one of my brothers had a shouting match today that almost ended in a fistfight and one of my younger siblings punching a door and damaging it. then my "mother" had a shouting match with him, he was aggressive again, and started being all cocky at me after i told him to tone it down at least in my presence. in more civilized of families this would warrant an emergency group therapy session, but here, it's just another saturday.

(2/?)

suffice to say, i am not happy around these people. they constantly fight and are simply a hazard to everyone reasonable around them because they're too entrenched in their malignant thinking. i can't remember one time my "mother" smiled today. it's all just resentment or anger or boredom or tiredness. constant toxicity.

and, in light of everything, i asked myself one question.

"why am i around these people?"

(3/?)

no, but seriously. why?

i hadn't escaped my family because my job i thought i landed turned out to be a fucking scam that cost me a lot of money, and housing opportunities died because said job bamboozled me. i also had leg trauma, unexpected college expenses and my friend amaroq being in trouble too. i still have money, but it won't last me longer than several months max.

(4/?)

but at the same time, like, the damn world is going to shit. there could be war tomorrow that could put an end to all my dreams and future aspirations. my friends, my partners, my real family could die the day after i finish this thread. global internet may go down and i might never see you reading this post again, forever, ever. i could die fighting as a drafted soldier or killed by some bomb or drowning as a refugee on a boat.

(5/?)

and like. i just feel sick at my stomach knowing that if that happens, the rest of whatever relatively stable life, however it sucks, i will spend surrounded by my "family". the family that yells at itself everyday. family where beatings are the norm. family that would scoff and roll eyes in annoyance if i told them about queer and neurodivergent and racial trauma i experienced. this localized personal hell.

why live like this?

(6/?)

why should i spend whatever precious time on this earth i have around these people? why?

for so many years i longed to be free but was afraid that i wouldn't make it, because i didn't have plans or money or this or that. those are valid concerns, but...what if i just say, fuck it, and pack up my shit, take whatever savings i have, and just...run? run wherever my eyes can look?

(7/?)

this seems like a plan only a complete naive fool or a person with nothing to lose would come up with. but...do i have anything to lose, really?

i may never live to twenty five. and if so be it, let me try to build at least a semblance of life i yearn for so much. let me live my days like they're my last, as truly me.

if i will never breathe in the fresh air of freedom deeply with my lungs, at least let me steal a gulp.

/end