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So it turns out that someone rewrote node-ffi (the C FFI library) in Rust (still a C FFI library) and it's orders of magnitude faster 🙃
@joepie91 rust all the things!
@meena I haven't the foggiest idea, but this is the one: https://github.com/zhangyuang/node-ffi-rs/blob/master/README.md
I wish I were joking