feeding my datasheet search engine database its favourite treat, a whole CPU core
well crap, it knocked over the container and now I've lost three whole CPU cores...
So apparently removing the DISTINCT cuts the query time in half, but it's still very slow...
With DISTINCT: https://explain.depesz.com/s/cOeV
Without DISTINCT: https://explain.depesz.com/s/QAIM5
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Where on earth is this remaining sort operation coming from??
Aha, forgot that UNION also does a uniqueness check. Changing it to UNION ALL fixed that.