okay, alright. i need advice from AuDHD people. i *cannot* convince my 5.5yr old child to eat a meal in a reasonable amount of time no matter what i do. favorite food, definitely hungry, all of it - just refusing and stalling, and then when you take it because it's been way too long they freak out and start trying to shovel everything at once while screaming
timers don't work
nudging/reminders don't work
eating with them doesn't work
having them eat alone doesn't work
eating with distractions/stims available doesn't work
eating without distractions/stims doesn't work
dangling a carrot (reward) if they eat and get done quickly doesn't work
what on earth do i try?? when we lived alone it was like this and when we lived with another family it was like this and they're starting school in the fall and when they're hungry they melt *down* so skipping lunch is going to go so poorly and they've never done daycare or school before
RBs welcome pretty please, especially personal anecdotes if you, too, were like this about food as a kid (or even, still are!)
EDIT -
f.a.q.s, since some of y'all are starting to act like we're on twitter:
Q: did you even talk to your kid??? dumbass
A: y...yes. what the fuck. including listening to their body language and actions to the best of my current knowledge of them. if i had anything to go off of at this point that i hadn't already tried direct from the actual source i wouldn't need to ask for ideas or additional angles?
Q: why are you treating them like a failure
A: I'm, not? I realize I didn't define every word in the original post but "reasonable" here means between 1.5 and 2 hours, which is socially quite long, and when i have to move us on anyway I explain that it's just time to move on and we'll get to try again to eat next time it's a mealtime. there's no punishment. there's no anger. the next meal is almost always entirely untimed because needing to time limit a meal is not common and they eat untimed meals fine; missing part or most of a meal due to the unknown and unresolved current issue is really not harming them or giving them trauma about food.
Q: why are you forcing them to eat all of their food / foods they don't like / etc
A: I'm not and never have. They have always been allowed to eat around whatever they don't like. if something is new i ask them to try it one or two bites, depending on if the first bite is a horrified rxn or if they're on the fence. they self-select for increasing and decreasing various food groups as their body demands. i will never force them to clear their plate, repeat a plate for every meal, or anything like that. goddamn that's not what is going on. i said it's foods they like or love
Q: god i hope you aren't trying to take them to a psych for coercive therapies?? if not then thanks for asking actual AuDHD people instead unlike most NTs
A: I'm literally also AuDHD, firstly. more importantly, why the fuck would i take my child to go get abused at *all*, let alone one limited scope issue that can be troubleshooted and mitigated? christ on a bicycle we have AUTISM, no one in a psych's office would treat them like a person and we all know it
Q: why did you respond to like, everyone, but not to me
A: probably because you did some sort of talking down to me, or otherwise being kind of an asshole, instead of engaging in good faith with info on your own lived experiences - which is what i said am trying to hear to get ideas and perspectives from
Q: are you giving them enough food variety, maybe they're bored
A: i mean, solid question, but also. 1000% yes. their whole life i have had a "no repeating foods in the same day" rule, both so they would not get stuck refusing anything but samefoods, and so that they don't get food bored
Q: maybe it's allergies
A: maybe! but I've got most of their mcas foods figured out, and they're not the same as mine, and when something is always avoided i keep an eye out to see if there are allergy sx and stop trying it
re:, food, kid, arfid
@gremlins i'm still like this (search term: ARFID)
personally it's an overlap of a bunchh of things -- way more than anyone could conceivably explain concisely.
- there's a workaround: food-as-drink supplements like PediaSure (me) or maybe the soylent kinda stuff (no idea..) — pediasure has quitee a few tastes and one of them works for me and tastes horrible to almost everyone else in my life, but it's expensive unless you have insurance to cover it or something..
- divide food into little squares or such — i.e. splitting it into subgoals
- do a relaxing activity at the same time; basically meditation. by default i just reject food-tastes and assume they're bad. if i play piano and get into flow state, my anxieties relax and.. i can taste things:
it takes a while to accept this sensory invasion the food inflicts on me.. but, sometimes its good..
that panic response they're having sounds like a horrible complex to contend with.. and the confrontation-feel of it before that panic is alsoo uh, Not An Optimal Environment. feeling like they're on the clock. feeling like they have to eat a certain minimum so it's easier to not engage with the task at all.
i'd say, don't eat too alongside them — that'd just make me try to mask — but just, hold their hand and ask them to be brave because they need this.
please don't overtly nudge. their tummy is probably already doing *plenty* of that, and they need to listen to their tummy, not you.
good luck to you two, it's a long journey but they can do it <3
(p.s. consider finding a parent group to vent to about this!! it's a lot for you too)
re:, food, kid, arfid
@ckie ohh thank you, I'll put ARFID down on my list to look into also! you're the first to mention the possibility and I always forget it exists 😔