texas' senate just introduced a bill which would allow any medical provider providing gender affirming care to anyone to be sued for malpractice. i saw this coming. you probably did too. they said they would do it, and here we are. i guess we got what we deserved for being from a red state.

but i'm from dallas. i've never lived anywhere else but texas. it's a part of who i am that i'm from here. now that part of me is being torn out of my chest and smashed to bits in front of me by an apartheid government of rich white bastards who maintain their hold on power with dirty tricks and police violence. i am being told, more or less explicitly, that i am not wanted in the only home i've ever had because i made the stupid decision to hold myself out to the world as transgender. they'll cut off our healthcare, then they'll cut off our heads when they decide we're not "going away" fast enough.

they hate us. i hate myself, too, for what it's worth. i hate myself because i feel like i'm a coward for not standing up and fighting at every opportunity. yes, i've been to protests and made my voice heard. i even thought about voting for all the good it will do. but i can't just go fistfight dan patrick until he decides trans people are okay actually. i'm going to run away like i always have before, and i'm going to think of all the people i'm leaving behind when i do just to twist the knife a little bit. i feel like there's an octopus trapped in my chest trying to worm its way out through my throat and scream "STAND AND FIGHT YOU COWARD!"

but that's how i feel. none of the so-called "cis allies" who i've been navigating recently are going to put their lives on the line just to help trans people. they get to read about our impending genocide in the morning paper and go "oh that's so sad. if only there were something i could do." and then PUT US OUT OF THEIR MINDS BECAUSE WE'RE TOO PONDEROUS. that guilt tearing me up because i won't fight pales in comparison to the feeling that we've been betrayed somehow, because they won't fight. we're dealing with our own battles, and there are too few of us trans people spread too thin for the onslaught of ghoulish right-wing political violence that we now face practically everywhere south of the Mason-Dixon.

AND WE DON'T GET TO TURN THE TV OFF AND HAVE IT STOP HAPPENING.

i got called "brave" for going to a family event as myself yesterday, but. i can't be anyone else. and i am so tired of being brave. i want to be safe. i want to be among kin. i want to rest. i want a place where i can be myself without having to stare down a Roganesque escaped gorilla with a .45 screaming "PEDOPHILE MARXIST GROOMER" in my face every so often. i want a place where i don't have to be "brave" to go to the damn grocery store.

i wish it could have been my home.

if you can, please donate to my liberapay and help me and two other trans women get the hell out of here. www.liberapay.com/thufie/donate