A helpful pointer: when someone accuses you of being transphobic, they are not claiming you are doing so *intentionally*, they are telling you that your behaviours are transphobic and have the effects of transphobia.

Likewise, when someone accuses you of being racist, they probably mean you are *being racist*, not that you are literally wearing a KKK hat.

And so on, and so forth. These criticisms are about behaviour and the harms that that behaviour perpetuates, *whether or not* the behaviour was intentional. And you need to acknowledge and work on that issue, *whether or not* it was intentional.

Whether it was intentional makes no material difference to the person on the receiving end, and you should not expect them to make that distinction. If you do not want to be called a bigot of some sort, then take care not to practice bigoted behaviour.

You should *not* respond to it by trying to defend yourself from the accusation, and trying to paint the accuser as the aggressor. Instead, take it to heart and learn from it. *That* is how you show that you're not what you're accused of.