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getting all sorts of good resources from multiple awesome people
https://musingsofanaspie.com/2012/12/13/anatomy-of-a-meltdown/
https://theautisticadvocate.com/2018/05/an-autistic-burnout.html
and https://www.quora.com/As-an-autistic-person-do-you-meltdown-shutdown-both-or-neither-1
oh and the second artivle links to https://jeanettepurkis.wordpress.com/2018/05/16/too-nice-avoiding-the-traps-of-exploitation-and-manipulation/